Do I understand?
by Taigacat1
Summary: This is a Touma x Futaba fanfic so if you don't like that pairing it's best to leave now. But for all those Tofu fans, enjoy XD {CANCELLED}
1. Do I understand?

Kikuchi- kun held my hand so gently, as his blushing face stared towards mine. The words "I love you" feel into the silence of the night. He said it without avoiding my gaze, without wavering his voice... Is this real? Are his feelings real? I can't help but avoid his eyes. I never looked at him that way... Not once. He's a friend... A friend.

I need to tell him I don't think of him that way. Isn't that the right thing to do?...Although, I don't want to hurt him... I really don't want to be in this position... Maybe it's just a joke. Kikuchi-kun is such a kind and... Honest... Oh, that's right. Kikuchi-kun is so honest... Sometimes I think he's too honest. Maybe it's just because he blushes so easily. The more I think about it, the more I realise... Kikuchi-kun is a wonderful person, how could he fall for someone like me?

Whenever I have doubts... Or whenever I need guidance... he's always there. He always helps me, and encourages me. He must think of me as a burden, right?

We've been sitting hear in silence for a while... I try my best to look him in the eyes... It's so hard. His eyes are staring straight at me. Piercing all my defenses. I feel vulnerable. I notice his hand is still clutching mine. I slowly yank it away. He made a sad shocked face. Unfair, that's foul play. I can't look at him. I feel so guilty somehow. If being like this hurts... I shouldn't stay by his side. Even just being friends... He would be in pain. Without another thought, my decision was made up.

"I'm sorry" I said earnestly. My eyes were looking to the ground. I still don't even have the courage to look him in the eye.

"Yoshioka-san, I know." He said, with a slight smile on his face. Eh? I jolt up, as he says this. "I know... You like Mabuchi..." That's right, he knows what my feelings are... So why did he confess? "But I want you to like me." His face looked so determined. "I will make you like me." My eyes widen, and my cheeks start to feel warm. "I will make you fall for me". Why does he make faces like that?

"Sorry, I can't" My voice is trembling. "I can't..." For him to say that... How can he be so sure I'll fall for him? But, I won't hurt him like that. If I were to stay with him... To lead him on... To give him false hope. How would Kikuchi-kun feel? Don't look up I think to myself. He'll make that face again... I won't let that change my decision.

"Don't worry" He assures me. "I know I can't sway your feeling just like that... But I want you to understand my feelings..." His voice sounds sad somehow... "Wanting to talk to you, Looking for you. Feeling jealous and wanting to have you all to myself... That's what my feelings for you are." Those feelings... They're the same feeling I have for Kou... It's then I realise, the one thing Kikuchi-kun wanted,was for me 'understand' his feelings and that's what I've been avoiding. I never tried to look at him as more than a friend... I was so worried about hurting him... But isn't what I'm doing now going to hurt him more?

I look up... My eyes and his are facing towards each other. I can feel my chest tighten and my eyes start to burn... What is this feeling? Tears start to accumulate. But I shut my eyes, and hold them back. "I understand" I'm not going to hide anymore. He's looking at me so attentively... "The feelings you have... My feelings... They're the same. We're the same." I let out a slight laugh, maybe I'm trying to lighten the mood. "But, I don't think I can love you..." My heart, it would be so consumed with guilt.

It takes him a few seconds but he nods at me. The look on his face... It scares me... I fear, I might have done something horrible to him. Maybe I should have- No. That's not right. I won't be that ignorant. I hear sounds coming from my phone. A message? It's from Yuuri... Eh?

Sorry, Futaba-chan. Uchimiya-kun and I decided to take another route home. Don't wait up.

Why at a time like this? I guess we have to go home by ourselves... "Um... Kikuchi-kun, it looks like Yuuri and Uchimiya-kun won't be coming back... It's best we head home now, right?" Why do I feel so nervous right now?

"Ah... Y-yeah" Is all he said as a response... It feels as though we've become, distant. Was I too harsh? This isn't the time to be regretting my decision. I see him slowly head towards the train. I follow after, when I catch up... He starts to walk at a normal pace. Did he do that on purpose?... Did he want to walk with me? Hmm... I shouldn't over think this. It's only a short distance why would walking together be important?

The train we boarded was very quiet... And so were we. We sat there without a word the entire ride. The train reached my stop first, he offered to walk me home. But I declined his offer... I think it's just easier to avoid awkwardness.

I can hear footsteps behind me... Waah! My heart is beating so fast. I'm scared! I need to calm down, it's probably nothing. Huh? I can't move my feet. What's wrong with me? I'm paralyzed in fear. I feel a hand slowly caress my shoulder. I flinch and shut my eyes. "Yoshioka-san, are you okay!?" This voice... Kikuchi-kun!? I turn around and raise my arm, about to hit him. But when it reaches him it's only a slight tap.

"You scared me!" I wailed. I can't hold back the tears. "Why are you here?" Two arms suddenly wrap tight around me. Kikuchi-kun body is towering over mine. One of my arms is dangling by my side, and the other is still against his chest. I don't know why, but. I feel safe.

"There's no way I'd let you go home in the middle of the night, by yourself." He answers.


	2. Sleep

I stand there soaking up the warmth of his embrace. Before I realise I'm doing exactly what I didn't want to. I push Kikuchi-kun back as far as my arms can reach, as my hair flows in front of my face. Why am I so stupid! I'm leading him on and taking advantage of his kindness. I've felt so lonely and weak for awhile... And I know how pitiful I look. But I'm not going to take advantage of him...

"I-I'm going home now... Don't follow me!" I announce. I can just see through the gaps of my hair. His face is obstructed but I can see, he's blushing. My chest starts to tighten. "Seriously! Don't!" I'm so flustered... In the end I decide to run away from him. I'm such a dork. I eventually reach my house, out of breath. I look back behind me no sign of Kikuchi-kun. I feel like a spoiled brat, running away from her mother. I'm so childish...

I lay flat on my bed, arms and legs stretched out far. I let out a sigh if relief, being back on my bed feels so nice. Being feminine has wiped me out. I start to think about what Kikuchi-kun was saying... About not needing to fake it... I guess he's right. It was stupid of me to believe Kou would notice me. So much for feeling free, right? But... Am I really fine this way? Though, when Kikuchi-kun said that... I felt relieved. Wait. I never said thank you to him! I really am a jerk, aren't I?

I'm falling asleep... I lazily make my way to the bathroom, so I can take a hot bath before I collapse. I'm too sleepy to concentrate on anything but somehow after I toke a bath I found my way to my bed. "Goodnight" I whisper in a soft tone.

The obnoxious sound of my alarm clock sirens it's 7:00am. Today I won't wear make-up. Some of what Kikuchi-Kun said is stuck in my mind. I go through my daily routine, like any other day and arrive at school earlier than usual. It's so peaceful right now. There are a few others here... Mostly people with club activities and such. Yuuri and Shuuko aren't here yet so I feel kind of lonely. I come to the conclusion that I should just wait in class. I sit there going through my class notes and doing a bit of revision. But that soon becomes tedious.

I still have so much time to kill... I start to walk down the corridors of the school. The infirmary? Hmm... Maybe I could sleep there for awhile. I open the door slowly... No ones there, not even a teacher. I guess I'll just sleep here then. I sit on the bed, it's a little uncomfortable... Oh well. I take off my shoes and recline on the bed. My eyelids became heavy, and then everything is dark.

I can hear lots of noise coming from the front of the infirmary. What's going on? I stare dumbfounded at the clock, schools already over! How could I sleep for that long!? The commotion continue behind the dividing curtains. I probably shouldn't pry into anything but curiosity gets the best of me. I open the curtains just a crack so I won't be noticed. To my surprise it's Kikuchi-kun and his friends... They're frantiking about a back injury... Injury!?


	3. More kinds of pain

I resist the urge to go over there and ask what happened. But the nurse is gone and his friends don't seem to know what they're doing. It gives me an unsettling feeling. The urge is too strong to resist, and before I know it I'm already in front of them.

My legs feel wobbly… Maybe because I just woke up? "Yoshi- Yoshioka-san!?" Kikuchi-kun said in a surprised tone. He's sitting on a tall stool, with one arm clutching on his shoulder tightly. Is he in that much pain?

"What happened?" My voice is wavering. Kikuchi-kun's two friends both look at each other.

"Help us!" They both yelped. It seemed argent… But they don't seem that worried… I guess his injury isn't that serious, or at least I hope. "Touma… He got hit by a flying soccer ball!" Says one of the two boys." A flying soccer bball…? I put one hand over my mouth to cover my laughter.

"Ehe hee, a flying soccer ball you say? That's really funny!" I can't help but giggling. Kikuchi-kun looks at me surprised for a second, and then starts laughing with me.

"I guess when you put it that way it does sound funny" Kikuchi-kun says with a slight laugh in his voice. His laughing face is kind of… cute.

"Hey, Yoshioka-san… We have something to do" Says Uchimiya

"Something very important" His friend adds.

"Could you stay here and heal Touma?" He finishes.

Before I can even answer his two friends have already bolted out the door. What was there motive? I look at Kikuchi-kun and realise I haven't been thinking about the fact that he's probably in a lot of pain… And just a second ago I was laughing at him. "Sorry about that just then… I didn't mean to laugh at you" I say sincerely.

"Eh? No not at all… You made me feel better, actually… Ah! Right. I'm sorry about my friends. You don't really have to stay here, I wasn't really hit that hard.…" Hearing him say that made me relieved.

"…I want to help you though." I say quietly. He turns his face away mine… Wait does he- I see the edge on his ears… Blushing. I swiftly walk around his chair… Surprised and scared he tries to avoid my eyes. Sometimes he can do the cutest things. I smile, my face blushing as well. Time to give medical treatment… I hope I don't mess something up.

I think about what I should do for a few seconds before I blurt out. "Take off your clothes" I realise what I had said instantly… I didn't properly think of my wording and it came out like this. Kikuchi-kun's face became even more red. "I-I'm sorry… I didn't mean it like that. I mean… What I meant was, that is." I can't even say what I what to say right now. It's coming out all jumbled.

"It's okay." He says while laughing "I know what you meant." So embarrassing, but at least he's laughing. He cautiously takes off his jumper. His movement are very slow… Careful. Was his injury really serious? If it was there's no way he would say that… Would he? Soon my face has worried written all over it.

He finishes taking off his jumper, when I clench my hands on his collar. "I'll help." Even though I didn't want to lead him on… I've already dug the hole to my grave so deep there's no turning back. Pain comes with love… I understand that. But I didn't want to be the cause of his pain. Our faces are really close together. I can feel his warmth.

I finish unbuttoning his shirt, and start to pull it off his body. It not like this is the first time I've seen a guys chest. Yet, why am I so nervous? My cheeks are burning, I can feel my hands shaking. Kikuchi-kun's body is quite thin… It's different from Kou's. He still looks strong but it's not obvious. I walk to behind he back and peel off his shirt.

"…Huh?" I see a giant swelling graze on his left shoulder blade. It's so red, it's even bleeding a little. Lair. You were obviously hit hard. I lift my hand and gently touch his wound. He flinches in pain. Kikuchi-kun… "Are you okay?"

"Eh? Ah, I'm fine…" After hearing him blatantly lie again, I poke his would once more causing him to flinch. I can tell he's trying to hold back his pain…

"Don't lie."

"…Sorry, but.." He can't finish the sentence. Probably because he doesn't have an excuse. I can understand why he lied, but… I don't like it. I hate it. Maybe I'm just mad because I was too naïve to see through his obvious lie. But it doesn't help him to stand here thinking about that stuff. I look around in cupboards and draws to find antiseptic.

I find it in the draw of the desk the nurse probably works at. In the same draw, there is cotton balls and tweezers. How convenient. Hmm… I remember when I was young, I was so clumsy and always scraped my knees and elbows… My mother would always use this, it was so painful. "Kikuchi-kun, this might hurt a bit…"

I'm holding a cotton ball with a long pair of tweezers. I dab a small amount of antiseptic on it. I feel scared, but I repress it. I start by lightly dabbing it on the wound. He doesn't make much of a reaction at first. But one minute through he starts to wince. "It will be over soon… I'm sorry." Once I'm satisfied with the job I've done. I look for a bandage.

The infirmary doesn't seem to have many bandages, I've only been able to find the ones you would usually use on small cuts. I feel a sudden tugging on my wrist. Kikuchi-kun's is looking towards the ground… *Throb throb* My chest… again, it's tight. Why do I always feel this?"...Kikuchi-kun."

"Thank you." He says sincerely.

I let out a small laugh "No biggy, I'm happy to help." Kikuchi-kun smiles, but then makes a solemn expression.

"I was scared… All day I've been worried, thinking you hated me."

"H-hate?"

"Yesterday… You rejected me and even ran away from me. Today I thought you were away because you didn't want to see my face… But now, I'm so confused." I had almost forgotten that I skipped a whole day of school… But that's not the thing that's unsettling.

The thing that makes me feel really awful… Is that, I made him really believe I hate him. What a rotten personality I have. "Kikuchi-kun… I-"

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**This is the first time I've really done this... It's called an authors note I believe...? Any way, If you're reading this I want you to know I'm very thankful! ^^ And I send you guys lots of love. Usually write my chapters really small... Sorry~ But maybe some of you would prefer that? I could send one chapter that's 1,000 words every two or so days or I could send a 300 word one throught a day... At least I would try to. And if there's anything that might make you upset about this story, or ideas you would like to share, I'd be happy to hear them.**

** Also if I don't update this in like a week or so it's because I have a big science project coming up DX. This story is only going to be about 2,000 words longer. And when chapter 29 comes out I'll more than likely will stop writting this. And start a Kou x Touma... Nah just messing with you, a Kou x Futaba fanfic. That one will only be short and it's not going to be a lovey dovey. I hope you enjoyed and thank you.**


	4. An attempt at new love

"Kikuchi-kun, I don't hate you… I've never hated you. I don't even think it's possible for me to." His hand tightens around my wrist and he pulls be me close.

"I'm so relieved…"

This is love? It's painful, but it can be happy. Feelings can't always reach each other. I know that as well as anyone. That's why avoided it for so long, but once you fall in love… It's so hard to stand up. As if gravity is leaving the earth, and all your limbs become numb.

They say to best love is the most painful kind… Kind of like Romeo and Juliet. Why can't there be a happy love? But I already I know why. Us, humans have emotions that make us act in ways we can't control. Jealousy, hatred, longing, selfishness and so many others. They blind us. We find it so hard to understand simple things because we're so blinded by ourselves. We often do or say the wrong things… And regret. Regret ways us down, so we can't move on. But if you are strong enough you'll be able to power through it.

Today I want to be strong. I will give my all in a new love. I've become wiser, and more mature. I want to try my best to love Kikuchi-kun. I won't do something like date him… But, I will understand him… I won't hurt him like this again. Today I leave the naïve, small minded Futaba behind.

I move my body closer to Kikuchi-kun's and close my eyes. "I'll give you my all" I whisper.

"Eh? What did you say?"

I give him a cheeky smile and say "Nothing" If feels weird being hugged by some with bare skin. I can't help but wanting to blush. I slowly pull myself away from him, his face is red too… To give my all… Means to be honest with my feeling as well… Confront my feelings.

I turn my head to the side slightly. "…You know. Being this close to you, truth is. My heart is beating really fast! And my face is burning like fire. I don't know what to do, I'm so nervous." He looks at me really shocked, then that expression soon becomes light.

"Same for me" He says with bright smile.

Eventually I find bandages, and put them on him. He takes me home… Completely this time. On the way I explained why I was in the infirmary. And some other idle chat. When I went home I had to lie to my mother about feeling really ill and having to stay in the infirmary all day.

"Hey, Futaba-chan! Why were you absent yesterday? I saw your bag at your desk but I didn't see you all day. What happened?" Yuuri asks very curiously. I don't see how it would help to lie to her…

"I was just… Skipping." Yuuri and Shuuko look at me with wide eyes.

"Eh? That's not like you at all. Why did you do it?"

"Hmm… I guess I was just really sleepy…" I really don't know why I sleep for as long as I did… The night before maybe I didn't sleep well. Or was it because I woke up so early? Different thought flew through my mind… But deep down I think I knew the real reason why...

"Is that it? Hmm… Oh! Right, Uchimiya-kun wanted to know if you wanna go shopping with us? She asked eagerly?

"…Ah, by us you mean…"

"Him, me and Kikuchi-kun"

"Isn't that like a group date?" Shuuko says… She seems intrigued.

"Hmm… I suppose…" Yuuri answers unsure of herself. A date huh… What going to happen I wonder.

"Yuuri.. I think that would be fun!" I announce.

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**Another short chapter... *sigh* I was planning on making this longer but I was buzy with my science project... So this is what I did... Yesterday? Or the day before? Whatever. I'm trying to not fall behind in this story and I really want to make regular updates. I'll try to make the next chapter by May... The first.**

**Again If you're reading this, thank you! *sends love* And I hope you enjoyed.**


	5. The seeds of a new love?

Today is the planed date for our shopping trip. Is it weird that I feel so nervous? I shuffle through my closet filled with clothes… Today, I feel really picky. I look at my clock, still plenty of time. Dress, skirt, pants or shorts? Why is making a decision so hard.

*Knock knock* "Futaba, what are you doing?" My mother says while opening my door.

"Ehe he… well, I'm trying to choose clothes…"

"Hmm… You never seemed that picky about clothes, what's wrong?"

"I don't know…"

"Wait. Could it be… My little Futaba is going on a date!?" She says with her hands clasped over her mouth. My face goes completely red.

"Mu-mum.." I say really flustered.

"It's okay sweetie, she says while patting my head. I'll help you pick an outfit." She picked out something surprisingly pretty cute. It was a pale blue dress, with short sleeves. Not something I would choose myself. It's light and the rims of the dress swirl in zigzags. I had almost forgotten I had this… There was never really a need to wear something like this before… This really is a date isn't it.

I see a magazine on the small table in my room… The model on the front cover is wearing a side braid.

"Cute" I grab the side of my hair… "Should I do that too?"

"Wah, that is cute Futaba! You should wear your hair like that?"

"R-really? …But, my hair is kind of… Short."

"Nonsense" My mum grabs my hair gently and starts to braid it. In addition to the dress I'm going to wear tights, a jumper and a jacket. Although my dress won't be that visible… Seems like a waste… "Okay, it's done"

I look into a small mirror at my desk. "Woah! I looks just like the picture! Thank you!" I leap up and give her a big hug. I see the time on my wrist watch. "Oh no, I'm going to be late! I'm off now" I yell while running towards the door.

Phew, I made to the agreed place 10 minutes early, lucky the train was late. I see Yuuri in the distance she's dressed well too. But then again she's always looks cute.

"Yuuri, good morning." I say brightly.

"Good morning" She replies back. Her nose is really red. She looks completely cold! I take my scarf out of my bag and wrap it around her neck. "Eh? Is this really okay?"

"Don't be silly. You look so cold, besides I'm not even using it."

"…Thanks, Futaba" she says digging her face into the scarf.

"Hmm… Why are you wearing such cold clothes anyway?" Her face turn red upon me saying this. Now that I think about… At that time we we're watching their band play she didn't take her eyes off… Uchimiya-kun. Then after, they ditched us to be together. And now she's going to such lengths to look cute. Has she fallen in love?

I stop myself before I ask her if she likes him… Maybe she hasn't even realised it herself but there's no doubt… That there's something going on between those two.

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**Another short chapter... Feel free to kill me. I really wanted to make it longer but y'know I can't do anything right. The next chapter won't focus on Yuuri x Uchimiya, although it may look that way. **

**And if your reading this thank you! I don't get many reader I get 5 at most usually... And if you're one of those five or so *sends love, hugs and rainbows*. I'm really just happy knowing someone out there is reading it. (My last chapter only had one view... Someone from Pakistan, if you're that person Thank you for so much for reading! XD) I hope you enjoyed and hope you read the next chapter.**


	6. A perfect gift

I can see Uchimiya-kun and Kikuchi-kun coming this way… I guess they came together. I look over to Yuuri, she's averting her eyes from them. It really does seem suspicious. I'm so curious… But is it really any of my business? I remember all the times Yuuri has helped me with love. My mind was made up. I must support her!

"Hi, Yoshioka-san" I hear Kikuchi-kun come closer. He has his usual bright smile and slight blush.

"Hey guys! Where are we going?" I ask excitedly.

"My sisters birthdays coming up soon, so I wanted to get her a present today"

"Really?...Is that why you asked us to come?"

"Haha, ah yeah… I'm not really sure what to get her. So I though you two GIRLS could help." Hmm, I wonder if Uchimiya-kun asked Kikuchi-kun to do this? No... I'm probably over thinking.

"We'll be sure to help then." I say energetically. We start to walk towards the shopping center. We stop by a women's clothes store. Yuuri tells me that it's really popular, the clothes there are all really cute and feminine.

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**This is a super extra short chapter. Sorry that I haven't updated in forever...But at that time I felt very weak and just wasn't physically able to type. This is all I managed to write in that time, and there won't be any more. I said in one of my previous chapter that I would stop writing this when chapter 29 is released. And honestly, I feel so weak.**

**But I am really so happy that so many people have been reading this. It fills my heart and makes me feel really happy. And I'm sorry I'm unable to commit to writing this story. Thanks for reading!~3 *Sends love, kittens and unicorns***.


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